There's A House Elf In The Shower: Song Parodies
by Pennfana
Summary: Not the most original idea out there, granted, but (hopefully) worth a chuckle or two. :)
1. Gilderoy

Gilderoy Lockhart—Gilderoy

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor am I the Scottish farmer who wrote "Johnny Cope".  I own nothing but my sense of humour and, incidentally, several nice pairs of socks.

A/N: In this song, "are you teaching yet?" means "are you still teaching?"

When Professor Quirrell was left for dead, a replacement for him was needed instead,

So an ad in the Prophet Dumbledore made for a new DADA professor.

When Lockhart looked the ad upon, he drew his quill the inkwell from;

"Dumbledore, lad, I'm just the man to be your Dark Arts teacher!"

Chorus:

Oh, hey, Gilderoy, are you teaching yet,

Or have you been the victim of _obliviate_?

When you were duelling, I couldn't wait

For Snape to send you flying!

Well, he couldn't go to Hogwarts straightaway as he had a book signing to do that day,

And tried to get on the front page of next day's Daily Prophet.

His first DADA lesson he set a cage of pixies upon

His unsuspecting class of Year Second, who had to clean up after him!

Chorus

When the Chamber of Secrets was opened again a message was written which did threaten;

And Lockhart, wanting to increase his fame, began a duelling club!

Now, Gilderoy, he likely wished he'd never asked Snape to assist;

It must have been like a magical fist when _expelliarmus_ sent him flying!

Chorus

Now, Gilderoy, he liked to brag; boasting and lying were his bag,

Stole adventures from old wizards and hags and wrote like he had had them.

This proved to be Lockhart's downfall when into the chamber he did fall

Now he's in St. Mungo's hall after his memory charm backfired!

Chorus


	2. Grease

Professor Severus Snape—Grease

Disclaimer: I am neither J. K. Rowling nor Frankie Valli nor Barry Gibb.  Therefore, I own neither Severus Snape nor the original song "Grease".  All I own is the sense of humour which allowed me to come up with such a ridiculous idea.

Deep in the dungeons where I teach my class, 

I got a problem here, an impossible task,

_You_ try standing over potions all day,

And then washing all the residue away—

Grease is the word!

I'm often referred to as "That Greasy Git"—

Those dunderheads don't care that I can't get rid of it!

I need new pillows every other week

Because the grease rubs off every time I sleep.

Grease is the word!

Grease is the word, is the word that you heard, it's infernally clinging,

Grease is eternal, I can't get rid of it, and grease is extremely annoying.

Every Christmas, someone gives me shampoo,

Lists instructions like I never heard of its use,

I've got a life's supply of the damn stuff

(Gave this year's to Lockhart—he can't get enough!)

Grease is the word!

Grease is the word, I look like Grìma Wormtongue, I think he's my uncle or something,

Grease is a pain in the arse, it keeps sticking, and sometimes it even starts dripping!

Sure, it's nice and shiny, but what can I do?

I'm really screwed if it catches fire!

I'm often referred to as "That Greasy Git"—

Those dunderheads don't care I can't get rid of it!

I need new pillows every other week

Because the grease rubs off every time I sleep.

Grease is the word!

Grease is the word, is the word that you heard, it's infernally clinging,

Grease is eternal, I can't get rid of it, and grease is extremely annoying!

Grease is the word, I look like Grìma Wormtongue, I think he's my uncle or something,

Grease is a pain in the arse, it keeps sticking, and sometimes it even starts dripping!

Grease is the word, is the word, is the word…


	3. Because I Forgot

Neville Longbottom—Because I Forgot

Disclaimer: I'm not Afro Man, so I don't own the original song, "Because I Got High".  I'm not J. K Rowling, so I don't own Neville Longbottom or any other character mentioned here.  I own nothing but a rather quirky sense of humour—oh, and this particular order of words which may pass for a song parody. 

(Neville)

Ooh, ooh, ooh, 

La, la, la, la, la, la,

La, la, laaah,

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaah

My Gran gave me a remembrall because I forgot,

It turned red as soon as I touched it, because I forgot

I was supposed to do something right now—I don't know what,  

Because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

La, la, la, la, la, la,

I wasn't gonna blow up the cauldron, but then I forgot,

I added porcupine quills too soon because I forgot,

I put in too many dried nettles, and you know what?  

It's because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

Now Snape's called me an idiot boy because I forgot,

Had to go up to the hospital wing because I forgot,

I've got boils all over me and I don't feel too hot,  

Because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

La, la, la, la, la, la,

I wasn't gonna fall off my broom, but then I forgot,

I was gonna stay on 'till I landed the thing, but then I forgot.

For all that trouble, a broken wrist is what I've got,

Because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

La, la, la, la, la, la,

I was gonna be on time for Divination, but then I forgot

I wasn't gonna smash my first two teacups, but then I forgot.

I wasn't gonna be afraid of Snape, but you know what, 

Then I forgot, then I forgot, then I forgot.

La, la, la, la, la, la,

I wasn't gonna lose my toad, but then I forgot,

I was gonna keep an eye on him, but then I forgot.

Now Trevor's on the loose, I hope he won't get squashed

Because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

La, la, la, la, la, la,

I wasn't gonna send Flitwick flying, but then I forgot,

I aimed the Banishing Charm the wrong way because I forgot,

I had trouble aiming at the cushions, I kid you not,

Because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

La, la, la, la, la, la,

I wasn't gonna eat that canary cream, but then I forgot,

It looked so delicious to me that I forgot,

Now I'm wearing feathers when I'd rather not,

Because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

La, la, la, la, la, la,

I wrote Sir Cadogan's passwords down because I forgot,

Wasn't gonna leave the list lying around, but I forgot.

Now Black has gotten in and I cannot,

Because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

La, la, la, la, la, la,

La, la, la, la, la, la, la da, da, da, da,

Shoop shoo-be-do-wa, skippidy-dee-bop doo-wa,

La, la, da, da, da, da, doo doo,

Because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.

(Pennfana)

How many verses are there in the original?  I kind of forgot,

I was gonna look the darn thing up, but then I forgot.

This parody may be too long, I'm sorry but

It's because I forgot, because I forgot, because I forgot.


	4. Voldie's Back

Voldemort—Voldie's Back

Disclaimer: I am not J. K. Rowling, so I don't own any characters mentioned in this song.  And if anyone accuses me of being a Backstreet Boy or a writer of one of their songs, I will probably lose my temper; therefore, I don't own "Backstreet's Back", either.  Bottom line: nothing here is mine except the order in which I have put these words.  

Everybody, I got my body,

Everybody, time to scream and fight—

Voldie's back, all right!

Voldemort is back again,

Back to flesh and blood and bone and skin,

Gonna bring the fear back, gonna kill and maim,

Then I'm gonna start all over again, yeah,

Am I original? (Yeah)

Am I the only one? (Thank God!)

Am I sexual? (Ew, yuck!)

You better fear my dark Death Eaters,

'Cause next time we'll come for YOU!

Chorus:  
Everybody, (yeah) I got my body, (yeah)

Everybody, time to scream and fight,

Voldie's back, all right!

Now send Morsmordre into the air,

Blame it on that house elf over there,

Gonna cause a panic, gonna hear them yell,

Their world is going all to Hell!

Am I original? (yeah)

Am I the only one? (Thank God!)

Am I sexual? (Ew, yuck!)

You better fear my dark Death Eaters,

'Cause next time we'll come for YOU!

Chorus

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, Voldie's back!

So everybody everywhere,

Better be afraid, 'cause Voldie's here,

Gonna tell the world, make 'em understand

That thanks to Peter Pettigrew, I'm coming back again!

Chorus


	5. There's A House Elf In The Shower

Hogwarts—There's A House Elf In The Shower

Disclaimer: I am not J. K. Rowling, and I certainly am not a member of Creedence Clearwater Revival.  I don't own Hogwarts or anything in it, and I don't own "Bad Moon Rising", either.

A/N: A simple celebration of some of the stranger aspects of Hogwarts and its inhabitants.

I see a giant Whomping Willow,

I see ghosts floating everywhere.

I see a patched-up talking hat,

I see a lot of moving stairs.

Chorus:

I hope you like this school of ours;

It's getting stranger by the hour!

There's a house elf in the shower.

I hear the sound of running footsteps,

I see more evidence of Peeves,

I hear suits of armour singing carols,

And the Weasleys have more tricks up their sleeves!

Chorus

Hope you don't walk into the forest,

Hope you don't go swimming in the lake;

Looks like we're in for more adventures;

Here comes Hagrid with a cake!

Chorus X2

P.S.: Kicksomeass—Trust me, Snape's one of my favourite characters; if he weren't, I wouldn't have written him into the Lockhart one as I did.  However, I simply couldn't resist the idea for the Snape one once I'd thought of it. 

I'm glad you liked "Gilderoy", though.  I'm particularly fond of that one. =)


	6. What Would Albus Dumbledore Do?

Cornelius Fudge—What Would Albus Dumbledore Do?

Disclaimer: I am not J. K. Rowling, so any characters mentioned in this parody are not mine.  I don't own South Park either, so naturally I have no claim on the Brian Boitano song either.  I'm just borrowing these things, and hopefully I won't break them _too_ badly.

Oh, and I don't own "Jurassic Park", either.

A/N: This one is based on the mention of Fudge in "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone", when Hagrid tells Harry that Fudge practically drowned Dumbledore in owls every morning asking for advice.  I tried to stay true to the original song in that it starts with a slight (?) exaggeration and ends with absolute impossibilities.  And I know it never says that he ever competed in the Triwizard Tournament or that he ever worked with Flamel on anything even remotely concerning the Philosopher's Stone, but—well, I can only plead artistic licence here.  Besides, I needed a good rhyme. =)

(Fudge:)

What would Albus Dumbledore do if he was here right now?

He'd make a plan and he'd follow through, that's what Albus Dumbledore'd do.

When Dumbledore was in the Triwizard competing for the gold,

He did two backflips through a dragon's flame while wearing a blindfold!

When Dumbledore was working with Flamel with the stone to stay alive,

He beat the evil Grindlewald in 1945!

What would Albus Dumbledore do?  I need to know right now,

I'm sure he'd kick an arse or two, that's what Albus Dumbledore'd do!

(Dumbledore:)

Why send all of these owls to me?

It has strainèd my vocabulary!

And I just want that Fudge to think for himself for once,

He's trying too hard not to make a boo-boo,

So he's asking me what I would do!

(Fudge:)

What would Albus Dumbledore do? He'd pull out his magic wand

And mutter something helpful, too; that's what Albus Dumbledore'd do!

When Dumbledore travelled to Mars accidentally,

He improvised a spacesuit and founded a wizard colony.

When Dumbledore went to Jurassic Park he beat up Tyrannosaurus Rex,

'Cause Albus Dumbledore doesn't take shit from anybody,

So I'll write him a few letters

And ask for the wise guy's help

And send him a pair of socks or two

To see what Albus Dumbledore'd do.

And I'll send him an owl or two

To see what Albus Dumbledore'd do—

To see what Albus Dumbledore would do!


	7. O, No, Ron!

Ron Weasley—O, No, Ron

Disclaimer: I don't own Ron Weasley or anything connected with the Harry Potter series.  I have no idea who wrote the English folk song "O, No John", but rest assured, I don't own _that_ either.

A/N: The "normal-o" thing is a common convention in folk songs (for example, the Scottish folk song "Lass of Fyvie-O").  

In yonder shed there sits a Ford Anglia;

What it does I do not know.

I'll go ask Dad if I can drive it;

He must answer yes or no.

"O, no, Ron, no, Ron, no, Ron, no!"

My sister's got a crush on Harry!

Since we rescued him a month ago,

I've been teasing that I'll tell him.

She has always told me, "NO!"

"O, no, Ron, no, Ron, no, Ron, no!"

Scabbers is a lazy fat rat,

A gift from Percy years ago;

Suddenly I hear he's Wormtail.

Can't my pet be normal-o?

"O, no, Ron, no, Ron, no, Ron, no!"

"Hermione, in your face is beauty; 

On your lips red roses grow.

May I escort you to the Yule ball?

You must answer yes or no."

"O, no, Ron, no, Ron, no, Ron, no!"

"Hermione, since you are so cruel,

And that you do scorn me so,

If Krum is taking you to the Yule ball,

Granger, will you let me go?"

"O, no, Ron, no, Ron, no, Ron, no!"

You see, my life is full of denial;

Found this out a long time ago.

Will I ever get know relief,

Or will people always tell me "no"?

"O, no, Ron, no, Ron, no, Ron, no!"


End file.
